Outside: Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
Inside: If you are obsessive -compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4 and 5.
If you are paranoid - delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are manic - depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
Have a nice day and give me a call sometime.